Brayden has wanted to fly on an airplane for quite some time, and if he wants to do something, Caylee is right there with him. I decided it would be best to make this dream come true before Bryson reached two. (You know because the perks of a wild, temper tantrum throwing, strong-willed one year flying free is enough to entice any anxiety-ridden mom to fly alone with her 1, 3, and 5yrs olds. I just love conquering my anxiety so much that I’m bound and determined to seek out opportunities to do so. 😉)
I was blessed that my mom visited us beforehand, so she was able to fly alongside us. Therefore, I only had to fly solo back to Florida. Seeing the kids’ excitement was worth every ounce of anxiety. That’s why I do what I do. I push myself for my blessings, and I never regret it. Ever since our move to Florida, preparing to travel back and forth to Indiana and having vistors come and go has caused me to suffer significantly. I do wish it wasn’t this way because they truly are some of the best times. I love variety, I love spontaneous plans, I love changing things up; it’s just extremely hard. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but anxiety generally doesn’t make a lot of sense. Just in case you are curious what I have anxiety about… Well, it’s about a lot of things, but mostly, I have anxiety about having anxiety. Truly, it’s nothing in particular. When I begin to get anxious, I just can’t bear the thought of feeling so miserable that I make myself miserable thinking about feeling miserable. I start to think I can’t handle what I’m already handling. I can get overwhelmed easily, and it makes me extremely anxious. Typically, I just do my best to kept breathing and continue on. I refuse to allow it to prevent me from living the life God wants me living. So, there it is. It’s weird, I’m weird, but aren’t we all?! (Sorry this post hasn’t even begun, but I just can’t bring myself to blog anymore without being me. I do this blog for my kids, so they will have a keepsake. I hope they get to relive their childhood through it some day. A tiny part of me thinks all this should be excluded, but a much bigger part of me feels it absolutely should not. So kids, if you’re reading this in your later years, I love you. Thank you for always accepting me for who I am and believing I am the best mommy in the world. You light up my life. Now, let’s get back to it…This is me, and I do not want to hide behind it. It’s incredibly healing being honest, and I’m all about healing!)
Thank you God for all you have done in my life and for your healing touch. Lord, I thank you for leading me to others that need someone to be real, so they don’t feel so alone, so isolated. Lord Jesus it is my prayer that you use my past hurts and things I do still struggle with to further work in your kingdom. Lord Jesus I want others to fight this along your side because I know doing life with you is far better than doing it alone. You are my savior, my Lord, and the one I turn to. Lord Jesus help me help others. Amen
Now for the good news… I had minimal anxiety on this trip! It has gotten a little easier each time (all praise to the Lord above!), and to be completely honest, I know that is why I’m sharing this now. It’s always easier to share when I’m doing better. I’ll always fight to eliminate the stigma that comes along with mental illness. In the meantime, I do not like to be stigmatized when I’m struggling. When I’m struggling, the last thing I want is to be judged or be seen as weak. I do not want others to think I lack faith. Friends, this is when my faith G R O W S! God meets me when I cry out. It’s still very hard, but it’s so very doable. I no longer ask God to make my life easier. Why would I when I know this is exactly what he uses to grow me and help others?
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.” 2 Corinthians 3-7
Why do I share all this? It is not for me. Honestly, I’m a getting a little anxious wondering who is going to read this? Ugh, this is not comfortable for me to do. It’s because I’ve been called to. It’s simply for others. I do not want this for others. I want others to know it is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to talk about it. It’s okay to be honest and real. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to work towards feeling better. It’s okay!!! If you’re struggling now, it will get better. You are on your way. Though you are strong now, you are on your way to stronger!
To my precious children: this is what I want you to know… Once you are saved, there will be times when the Holy Spirit moves you to do something. Always obey. Yes, even when it interferes with your life and your plans. That is what has happened here. I did not know that was what was going to happen when I started this blog post a few days ago. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just focus on our trip to Indiana, but I accepted it. However, I know now. Today, I am to bless someone else. I do not know who, but God does. Whoever you are…You matter. You are worth it. You are enough. Let the one who calls you by name and knows the numbers of hair on head walk with you, better yet let him carry you. “In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:6