For months and months now I’ve struggled with words to write. I’ve started more than a handful of blog posts but was never able to bring them to completion. I’ve been frustrated. Felt like a failure. Told myself, “You never finish anything. Why can’t you just do this? It’s for your kids. Don’t you want something to help relive the memories? It’s for them. Just do it. Just write. Just post.” But.I.just.could.not. That is until today. Today I’m ready. I don’t fully know why, but I pray that the Lord is with me as I write…
When God says go, GO. Not because it will be easy. Not because it will be all planned out. Not because it will be comfortable. Not because it will be everything you think you need and want. All because when God says go, you obey. He is God and must reign over your life. It is critical to relinquish complete control. Not where it is comfortable. Not where it is easy. Not where it is only fun and exciting. Relinquishing complete control over to the one who created you sounds easy and simple. Why is it so difficult?
Maybe it’s because we listen and look to the world when all along we should have been listening and looking up to the one who created it. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2
I live for change and all things new, but then I despise it and want all things old! I’m always up for something new right until the time comes to actually make the change. Then, I suddenly want to put breaks on, whip into reverse and high tail it right back to where I was and am.
We get nowhere if we don’t allow change to take place. Do we really want to sit in the exact same spot for the rest of our lives? Or do we want to go and do when God says go and do? Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it’s unpredictable. Even when it’s painful.
So, I’ve been unable to blog for nearly a year. Why? I’m sure there are numerous reasons. I question why in the world would I put my little life out on display? I feel as though I’m not good enough. Not funny enough. Not smart enough. Lack enough biblical knowledge. The anxiety that I live with certainly hasn’t gone away. There are wonderful moments. I soak up each and every second. Those that have dealt with any sort of mental health issue tend to treasure and appreciate the good like no other. However, there are moments I still struggle to breathe. Many months ago I felt myself sinking. Depression seeping into my life. I have fought, and I’m proud. I’ve clung to the Lord. I forced myself to get out of bed. Made myself exercise when I felt like a big blob of jello. I continued to be the best mommy I could be despite the circumstances. Far from perfect but hopefully, good enough.
It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to breathe especially when it’s a stuggle to do that very simple thing. It’s okay to not know what you’re doing. It’s okay to just be okay. Just don’t stay there. Spend time with the one who knows you most. Talk to Him. Get to know Him. Let Him speak truth to your heart. Then, go and do. Despite uneasy feelings. Despite not knowing what is ahead. Despite what the world tells you. Despite what you tell yourself. Let go; let God lead and pave the way. You won’t regret it. He will continue to make all things new and beautiful. Just go and do as He prompts.
Let me be honest. Let me shoot it straight. I don’t think much of anything was how we thought it would be during our time in Florida. Though Brad throughly enjoyed the people he worked for and with, Brad didn’t find the fulfillment he thought he would. He traveled more than I expected. His commute was long and stressful. In the beginning, we seemed distant from each other. We were individually doing the best we could. I don’t think we were there for each other the way each of us needed. However, we probably did the best we could do at the time. Brad and my relationship struggled. I had to throw ugly thoughts as hard and far as they could go the second I began thinking them. If we didn’t have God, I wonder if we would have made it? I honestly don’t see why we would. He is the glue that sticks us together. He is much like super glue. There really is no ripping us apart when He is between us. It also was very difficult being away from family and caring for 3 very spirited little ones without breaks. Though I looked forward to and loved having visitors, at the same time, it wrecked havoc on my anxiety. We experienced a sense of rejection from somewhere we never expected that was deeper and more painful than we have ever previously experienced.
Here’s the thing. I could choose to shout out at God demanding answers. Believe me there were times I cried out asking for help and direction. I practically begged him to make things just a little easier. I did my best to thank Him through it all. Sometimes I messed up. I knew he was in control and would use each and every thing to grow us. We would mature and be better able to live out our callings because of the trials we experienced. I’m so thankful. God is good.
Now along with growth and maturity, we had so many wonderful memories made, and I look forward to telling the kids they would have missed out on all of the following had I simply said no instead of yes. I pray each of them seeks the Lord with the big decisions they will face in their lives.
This chapter of our lives provided so many wonderful, memorable family moments. Here’s a handful of them that I wouldn’t trade for anything…
Neighborhood fun days
I could go on and on forever, but it’s onto the next chapter in our lives…