Well, I find myself here once again. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to feel compelled to write. Then, today it struck me. I had to, but I’m scared. I’ve been communicating with the Lord all day. Good Friday is a day of grief but also one of hope. That’s exactly where I’m at in this moment of time.
I’m not a keep it all in kind of person. AT ALL. I’m a spill it all over kind of girl. I can’t hide it. I don’t want to. I believe I’ve been created that way for a reason, a true purpose.
I figured this might make foster care hard. It some ways it has. In other ways, it has not. The truth is I want to share what I want to share. When it comes to foster care, I only want to share what I want to share. More than anything, I want to protect this precious blessing that we have been gifted with for a time period. That time period is unknown to us. I’m far more okay with that that I ever thought I could be. However, I don’t really like other people discussing it. Don’t get me wrong, it will absolutely feel like a death if she leaves us. I’m prepared to grieve. However, when people talk about her moving on or ask us if we’re adopting her, I stiffen up and these giant mama bear claws start to come out. Hopefully, no ones physically sees them, but I feel them ever so real. We do not know our current little one’s future, but God does. I’m good with that. I’m fulfilling whatever role He has called me to fill. I do not like anyone talking negatively about our blessing’s biological mom. Sure, I have some bad thoughts and regretfully so have said some negative things that I would rather have not. The reality is no one else is her, and no one else has ever walked in the exact same shoes as her.
The grief I’m currently feeling isn’t from our current precious little blessing. There is another one. I cannot remain silent about it. The grief is too deep to pretend. A couple of weeks ago, our family took in a little girl that we believed and hoped would be a part of our forever family. Before she joined us, I felt God gently speaking to me that we were getting ready to enter into fire. It wasn’t a warning to not do it. It was more of a question of would I still say yes knowing our family was getting ready to enter into some really hard times. I couldn’t talk about it for a handful of days. I knew we were to say yes, but admittedly so, I was terrified. I pray I can always be obedient. I’m thankful I was.
This little girl fit nearly ever vision I’ve ever had with adoption. The pictures of our kids with her look like a fairytale, and I’m so thankful they will always remain. However, as I’ve said many times before, pictures lie. Maybe they don’t technically lie, but they stretch the truth in a big way. There can be amazing moments in the midst of mass destruction. Unfortunately, nearly immediately we knew we were not to adopt her. It stung deep, but I was confident. Our family dynamics without a doubt are not what is best for her. There is no way we could have known that beforehand. I without a shadow of doubt couldn’t keep my kids happy, healthy, educated and safe, and I couldn’t deeply foster the greatness that is inside this amazing little girl. I could do one or the other, but it was physically impossible to do both. If we proceeded with the process, I’m confident our family would have fallen apart.
Doing everything I could to get someone that I loved deeply out of our home as quickly as possible was horrible. Saying goodbye to “my daughter” was heart wrenching. Seeing her hesitate and want to run back to me when she had to leave was a collapse to the ground type of feeling. She and I definitely bonded and attached the most out of anyone in the family. However, all of us individually have or are currently experiencing grief.
There was nasty stuff, terrible sickness and fear for the majority of the time we were blessed to have her with us. However, I got to have so many amazing moments with her. I was able to get her healthy, see some big growth in her academics and help her face some of her fears. I got to get her ice cream, take her to bounce at a trampoline place, go to the zoo and ride the carousel, play at the children’s museum and more. One moment my husband and I will never forget is seeing her worship to Reckless Love in big church with our family. We discussed after the kids went to bed that night just how powerful that moment was. We couldn’t believe it when it came on the radio in our van a few days later, and she said, “that’s my favorite song.” My husband and I looked at each other and said “what?” She repeated that it was her favorite song. Talk about a goosebump moment. God was with us all along. There were so many moments that made it clear she was to come to us, but she was to leaves us as well.
God never leaves us. When Jesus was on the cross, He cried out, “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27:46 In that particular moment, Christ took on the full burden of all our sins and thus the feeling of separation from God. He knew that this was necessary to redeem all of us. This gives us the opportunity to spend eternity with God, our Father. Similarly, when we experience times of growth, they come in the form of difficulty. It may feel like separation for a brief moment of time, but the reality is its intended to ultimately bring us in unity with Him. Just as with Christ on the cross, Sunday is coming.
The girl that I will forever hold in my whole heart as a daughter has a Sunday coming. The grief that I’m currently experiencing is the result of a bridge. A bridge that goes from her past to her future. This forever family that is close to being created is about to have an amazing future full of hope and love. Because of that, I’ll never regret having been obedient.